Long distance grieving:

It's so hard when someone you love is hurting, in some ways harder than when you are hurting. You can see it in her eyes, and hear it in her voice, and you can't do anything. You try to say the right words, but what are the right words anyway? You say "I'm so sorry" or "what can I do?" but these are just tired platitudes anyway. You want to find the magic words that will help make it hurt a little bit less, but you can't. You hug her, and somehow the touch makes it a tiny bit better, you think, but you don't really know. And then you feel bad, because it's not really your loss, and why should you be taking it so hard?

As hard as this is, it's even harder when she's far away. When you can't touch her, when you hear the voice that can barely hold back tears on the telephone, when you spend hours hesitating over one email, because you're afraid of typing the wrong thing. You just feel useless; after all, you can't help the person you love when she needs you.

I feel guilty. Guilty for not being as affected by the death as my mother. Guilty for not being able to help her, for not being there for her. Guilty for being 1000 miles away, guilty for not really knowing why I'm crying. I knew this women, and loved her, but she didn't have much of a role in my life. Her loss is really my mother's loss, sad as I am about her death.

I'm sorry, mom. I wish I were there now in Atlanta, that I could go to the funeral, that I could hug you, and find the right words to say. But I'm not, and even if I were, I can never find the right words anyway.

Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine.
Et lux perpetuam luceat eis.
Kyrie eleison.
Christe eleison.