This weekend:

So I had a really good weekend, all in all. Friday night, I went to see 500 Clown Frankenstein in Baltimore (good, though I don't know the original well enough to appreciate it) and then played games.

Saturday, I went to the Laurel racetrack. It was a spur of the moment thing, since they'd just opened for the season. I got there in time for the sixth race, watched the horses get saddled for that one, and found a nice spot on the rail. There I met Jimmy, an older guy very much into racing who's thinking of buying a horse. Jimmy really likes to talk, so in the two hours I was there, I learned a lot about him. I also met Tony, Jimmy's possible future trainer, who really likes to gamble. I did see one stakes race with a half-brother to Afleet Alex, but the rest of the horses were nothing special. It was a VERY good time.

Sunday, I went to see a movie with A--. Movie was good, and somehow in the combination of the movie (The Constant Gardener) and talking to her I figured something out. I made the wrong choice back there a way. I knew I had to give something up, and I thought in London I'd figured out that math was what I couldn't give up. But I was wrong. Math is something I like doing, and something that I will miss when I am no longer doing it, but it is not something that is a part of me. Math is not who I am. Travelling is. Not just travelling on my vacation but living abroad, and not just in English-speaking countries.

I'm restless, I think. I love going into a new city, a place where I haven't made any mistakes yet, a place that's not full of regrets. Once it gets too full of my memories, it's time for me to move on. I thought that I could give this up and maybe it would even be better for me, but I can't. I don't feel right here.

So what does this mean for me? Well, for right now, not a lot. It means that right now I'm in the last math class that I will take, at least for the foreseeable future. It means I'm going to try to get into an office where I can do some travelling in the winter. It means that I am going to take the Foreign Service exam next spring. But I'm not just going to up and quit my job or anything like that. I am going to remember though. Remember how going into London felt, remember Prague and Ireland and Costa Rica. Remember what it meant to be happy, rather than just to be not unhappy.