This is so hard:

I can't do this. Not by myself. I can't get through the season when everyone's supposed to be happy when there's a giant hole where my sister used to be. I have to go to parties and smile and be a good little liaison and inside I can't understand why I'm here and she's not.

I make it through the days well enough, sort of one hour at a time, but the nights are another story. I try to sleep, can't. Cry for a while in bed. Get up, pace around, take some nyquil, watch TV or read, try again. This time with the help of the nyquil I can sleep, but I have weird dreams, that should be nightmares but aren't quite. I think I dread those dreams, dread what they should become.

Then I get up in the morning a little more tired and start over.