OK, I guess that's no Christmas then:

Well, I just got my Christmas box from my mother. Apparently it fell in the ocean on the way over here or something. It was totally drenched. The guy gave it to me in a plastic bag because just touching the cardboard made it disintegrate.

Here it is in its swaddled in plastic glory.






Can't you tell how much that smells?

Basically instead of nice Christmas presents, I get to keep stinky wet cardboard in my apartment for three months or however long it takes the post office to sort out the insurance claim. Thanks, USPS/USAF!